WTFDYWMTDAI

“Honey,” said the husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself but as a “handy-woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said. “How much will you charge me?”

The blonde quickly responded, “How about $50?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?” He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those ‘dumb blonde’ jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” the husband asked.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

PS My ex-wife is blonde… does that say something bout me?

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:
CHICAGO

One hand on wheel, one finger out window:
NEW YORK

One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic:
NEW JERSEY

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
BOSTON

One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap:
LOS ANGELES

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA

Waving at everyone that you pass, eating a moon pie, sipping an RC, smiling and chewing and talking to yourself.
TENNESSEE

One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic:
SEATTLE

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window:
TEXAS

Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
ALABAMA

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
FLORIDA

Knee up against steering wheel, one hand on Tim Horton’s coffee cup, cell phone in ear, accelerator to the floor, applying makeup/doing crossword puzzle/ reading morning Free Press, knocking down orange barrels, changing lanes without turn signals:
Nebraska

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we are in bed. I turned to her and asked, “Do you wantto have sex?”

“No.” She answered.

I then asked, “Is that your final answer?”

“Yes.” She replied.

Then I said, “I’d like to phone a friend.” That’s the last thing I remember

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “Lord have mercy, I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! They’ll throw both of us in jail and I’ll lose my license.”

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife, and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

A man escapes from prison, where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in
bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying
the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets
up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an
escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in
jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells
you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong,
honey. I love you.”

His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we
had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
love you too!”

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked in bed and panting.
“What’s happening??” he anxiously asks.
“I’m having a HEART ATTACK!” cries his wife

He rushes downstairs to the phone but as he is dialilng his 4 year old son comes up and yells, “Daddy Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet ahd he’s got NO CLOTHES ON!”

The blonde husband slams down the phond and storms upstairs, into the bedroom, past his wife and rips open the closet door. Sure enough there’s his brother totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“YOU ROTTEN SOB!”, The blonde husband yells, ” MY WIFES HAVING A HEART ATTACKAND YOU’RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!”

Did you know that Bill Clinton plans to join Sesame Street now that his presidency is over?

I’ll go home now

by George Carlin

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I’m in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!

I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

I think that being a student doesn’t give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus of college, you haven’t begun to be enlightened.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time arguing about it.

I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I’m freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut-the-Hell-up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you’re running from them.

I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you’re breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

And, no, I don’t mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it’s good…..and I’m proud that “God” is written on my money.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making “donations” to their cause. These people should be targets.

I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

And what the hell is going on with gas prices… again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.

If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I don’t know what’s
wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA.”

“That’s very interesting, I’ve never heard of anything like that
before. Do you think you could fart for me?” says the doctor.

The guy fires one off and sure enough, the doctor hears “HONDA!”

After several attempts to figure out what’s wrong with this guy, the
doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach
specialists and none of them can figure out why this guys farts say,
“HONDA.”

Finally, as a last resort, the doctors send him to a dentist.

After listening to the problem, the dentist opens up the guys mouth and
examines it.

“A-haa!!!!, says the dentist “….I have solved the problem.”

“What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc”

The dentist replies “Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth.”

“Yeah….so?”, says the guy, “What has that got to do with my farts?”

The dentist replies . . .

“Cant you see, Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA”